Ben Wilson: Pride

I love this church, but there are issues I wish it dealt with better. We talk about nurturing the beaten, the hopeless and the weak. We never give thought to those on the other side. What about those who are just plain awesome - too awesome for their own good? You think life's easy for us too.

Imagine how we feel. We burst at the seams with intellect but we cry ourselves to sleep because most cannot even comprehend our thoughts. We're despised for the good looks we were born with - segregated from the commoners and left to fend alone. We're idealised and placed on pulpits, but when we recognise ourselves we're told it's 'narcissism'. We sacrifice parties and get-togethers in the pursuit of perfect aesthetics so you people have something to look at. Being an adonis is hard...

Lols.

Pride is one of those things people can tell I struggle with, but probably wouldn't tell to my face. According to Catholicism and the 'seven deadly sins,' it's the one vice where all others originate. Needless to say I wouldn't have made a very good Catholic (though apparently I was meant to be). You don't see many people eager to share about their pride, probably 'cause it sounds a bit like, 'I'm a cocky bastard who thinks he's better than you'. Maybe it's time we gave this some limelight. Maybe it's time we blow our trumpets a little and confess our theatrics.

Well, I’m a cocky bastard - and I probably thought I was better than you.

My endeavours on the U.S.S Jackass began at the end of high school. I had been working-out for two years. The double Ds on the chest were developing nicely and I realised something - I was quite good-looking. It came with a feeling of power, confidence and security - and I liked it. I'd strut down public places wearing one of many small-sized shirts feeling like a king. No one was gonna take this away from me, I could call on it any time and it seemed to be magnetizing people.

I enjoyed my childhood. I was well-loved, had many friends and had a lot of things going for me. I always felt clumsy however. Somehow I got the idea in my head that I didn't know anything, or couldn't do anything properly. Much of the time I felt a spectator to life than an active participant. It was a mental block that stopped me from initiating, from trying and being generally productive. I felt like things always had to be done for me.

With a myriad of insecurities, pride gave me power. It numbed many of the feelings I had conjured and gave me a reason to lift my head. People started to notice. My friends started calling me, 'Ben Wilson', like I was a famous person who'd achieved some Hollywood milestone. I saw no reason to give it up, I saw no reason to stop. I wasn't hurting anyone.

You start feeling sorry for people. Sorry because they don't have the aura of limitless achievement. Sorry because they hold their heads to the ground. Sorry as if they'd be lesser for it.

After a few humbling experiences, I began to realise the foolishness of my hubris. What reasons did I have for thinking I was better? None. There weren't any. It was a front. I was trying to make myself feel good. We all try to make ourselves happy - this was my way. There no was legitimate logic behind it.

In retrospect, I suppose I was trying to avoid measuring myself against people. If I was always better I wouldn't be tempted to compare myself and therefore couldn't be disappointed - and I wouldn't have to feel like that little boy who didn't know what he was doing.

Nowadays my pride remains mostly in remnants. It lives on in cute quips made for the greater good of comedy. I still make overtly arrogant comments as a throwback to yesteryear - like a strange in-joke with myself. I'm know where I'm from. I can smile and poke fun at it. I can look back on Pride Rock and laugh at myself.

I don't need to compare anymore. I'm given worth by a maximally-great being who juggles stars and reads the laws of physics like a children's book. If that Person sees me as I am and finds it to be valuable - there's no need to look further.

I have qualities you don't have, and you have qualities I don't have. We're entirely different beasts. I'll help you where I'm strong and you do likewise. You have every reason to love yourself, and love me.

I believe I'm intelligent. I believe I'm capable. I believe I look great. I believe any woman would be lucky to have me. I believe I'm lovable.

But that doesn't make me better than you.