I
hate having the 'ex-talk'. Unfortunately it is fairly inevitable. There comes a time in every relationship where you just have to sack up
and re-live your dirty past, all in the name of 'clearing the air'. Naturally
we are curious about where our partner’s been and how much baggage they are bringing into the relationship. We
take smug satisfaction in knowing their ex was a jerk and we would never treat
them that badly (the ex-talk often happens in the slightly naïve, ‘we love each other and can do no wrong’ phase of the relationship).
When I first moved to Sydney for uni I had what I now
refer to as ‘2 years off.’ The Christian label without the Christian lifestyle, or something to
that effect. I didn’t completely lose the plot, but I certainly travelled down a different
path for a while. There are a number of reasons I eventually decided to jump
back on the Christianity bandwagon, but it just happened to coincide with being
re-united with my very Christian high school boyfriend.
So it came time in the relationship for us to have ‘the ex-talk’. Let me put this into perspective: he was you’re a-typical ‘good Christian boy’, led worship, didn’t like partying, hadn’t dated anyone but me in the previous 5 years. I, on the other hand, had
spent 2 years partying and had dated a non-Christian for 11 months. While he
had been distributing bibles in China, I was dancing on bars in Sydney – you get the picture. Needless to say, our ‘ex-talk’ was more of a ‘how-far-did-you-go-with-your-ex-talk’. I won’t go into the gory details of what my answer was, but
it was a bit more than just hand-holding.
The moment came when the question had been put out
there and was chillin' in mid-air with a mischievous grin, daring me to answer.
I couldn’t bring myself to say it. My heart was pounding in my
ears and I knew I was about to hurt someone I loved. I wasn’t entirely sure how he would take it – he was pretty much an angel compared to me. I thought
he couldn’t possibly understand. I thought he would never
forgive me.
So eventually, my eyes glued to my toes, I whispered
the dreaded ‘base’ that I had made an unfortunate run to. He looked up suddenly with a
shocked look on his face and said ‘WHAT?!?!’ Not exactly the response I was hoping for… So I cleared my throat and awkwardly repeated myself. He sat for a
minute with a contemplative look on his face as he wrapped his head around what
I’d just said.
Then, in one of the most beautiful examples of grace I
have ever experienced, he looked me in the eye and said:
“You are no less precious to me.”
Awkward confession # 7 : I thought I was a lost
cause. I thought I’d done too much, said too much, seen too much. I thought I’d gone too far to ever be allowed back. Because of
this, I thought there wasn’t any point in trying to turn my life around because I was already
ruined. I didn’t like going to church because despite the obligatory ‘we all make mistakes’ it seemed like no-one there actually made any mistakes. Church was a
place where people said ‘no-one is perfect’ but never actually admitted to any of their failings or struggles. I
thought I was too damaged to ever fit in, so I gave up.
I realise that last year ‘Casey’s Awkward Confessions’ started to become ‘Casey Awkwardly Hates Everything Except Sex’ so I thought I’d start off 2013 on the more positive and uplifting side of life. After
alluding to it in a few of my posts, I decided it was time to unpack this whole
idea of ‘grace.’ Personally, I’m a big fan. After all, grace is the only reason I feel safe to write
these confessions. I think there are a lot of layers to grace, but when I think
about it the first thing I think of is forgiveness and mercy so I’ll start there.
I think sometimes we don’t give grace enough credit. We will readily tell people that they are
forgiven, but hold on to our own failings and repeatedly beat ourselves up over
them. We trap ourselves with the ‘yeeeeah, but…’ We listen to people talk about grace and think ‘yeah, but you don’t know what I’ve done.’ We tell ourselves that our sins are so much worse, so much more
unforgivable. I’m not quite sure what it is that makes us think we are so special that
we are the one person in the world that God can’t forgive. It seems a bit dramatic.
As humans we are pretty in love with the concept of
'being fair'. We don’t like rule breaking, we don’t like people to get reward they don’t deserve. God's grace is hard for us to wrap our head around because it’s not deserved and can't be earned. It’s not give-and-take. It is given to us freely, but it
is up to us to honour that. God doesn’t force us, grace isn’t an ultimatum. We make the choice to accept grace and it is our
responsibility not to take advantage of it. It’s about embracing grace, but also recognising there is a reason we need
that grace. There is a reason God calls us to live differently.
I specifically remember the day that reason became
apparent to me. It was towards the end of my second year of uni and we were
having a massive college celebration. I can’t say I remember a lot, but I was filled in on most of the night’s shenanigans by a few reliable witnesses. I’m not sure what I’m more ashamed of: biting a random guy’s ear, running up and down the corridor in my undies or deciding it
would be hilarious to rip my friend’s singlet in half on the dance floor.
The next day I felt like my head had been filled with
cotton wool in order to make it more comfortable for the elephant that was
taking a nap on it. I spent the morning near-paralysed in bed, and dragged
myself out to attempt to eat lunch. Which I got to enjoy twice as it made its
unglamorous return to daylight. What a treat. I sat in my room doubled over my
rubbish bin and amongst the fuzzy haze of my hangover I had a crystal clear
thought: ‘WHO THE HELL AM I?!?!?!?!’
It wasn't so much that I decided I wanted to honour
God with my life, rather then fritter it away on temporary pleasures - I wish I
was that noble. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe God wasn’t just on a power-trip, dictating rules on a whim so
that we could attempt to earn his favour. I realised what I was doing was
soul-destroying. It was toxic. My self-worth was at an all-time low. I felt so
incredibly isolated and unloved. I made ties with people that weren't designed
to be broken, just so that I could feel wanted. Then I broke those ties and
wondered why I felt so empty. The pile of regrets increased exponentially. It
is only through grace that those wounds have started to heal. Grace pulled me
out and gave me a home when I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere else.
I also think that grace is more than just a safety
net. Grace isn’t passive. It’s more than just forgiveness for something you’ve already done. It’s not just about giving you salvation, it’s also about giving you life. It is by grace that we have life to live
now, it is by grace that we have been given gifts to use now, it is by grace
that we have been given the freedom to make the mistakes we need grace for in
the first place (confused?). It’s not just something to fall-back on, it’s something to push us forward.
More than that, I believe grace makes our God so
incredibly relevant. There are countless people in this world searching
desperately for a little bit of love, and a little bit of grace. Where do we
fit in that search? Grace should permeate every interaction we have with the
people around us. Our lives should be a testament to the grace that has been
shown to us. That doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us, but it does encourage us to look
beyond the stuff that makes us uncomfortable.
A few years ago I met a guy who, for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint, I just couldn’t stand. I mean, he once told me that I was ‘sexy until you got to know me’, so that might have something to do with it. He was obnoxious, arrogant
and often just plain rude. It wasn’t until I went to his 21st and saw a glimpse of his home life
that I realised where that deep-seeded need for attention came from. And yet, I
had judged him so quickly. If only I had looked beyond his behaviour to the
hurt within. I may not have agreed with all his choices, I certainly didn’t always enjoy the way he interacted with people, but
he was still just as human as I am. I thought all he needed was a punch in the
face, when what he really needed was a little bit of love, and a little bit of
grace.
In a strange way I am grateful for my two years off.
They have helped shape who I am today. They have made me more down-to-earth,
more real and a lot rougher around the edges. I am better able to relate to
non-Christians and Christians who have had similar experiences. I’m not suggesting taking ‘time-off’ is a requirement for being a relatable Christian. However, looking back
I think I needed to go into that tunnel to get me to the place I am today. I am
also flippin' lucky I came out the other side. I don’t know if I would say I’ve been ‘wiped clean’. The memories are still there, those things still happened. However I
am no longer condemned by them. My mistakes are not my prison. God had the
grace to let me take the reigns and do my own thing, and He had the grace to
welcome me back.
At the end of the day, grace is simple. “You are no less precious to me.” That’s what it boils down to. I love that phrase because not only does it
give me comfort that I haven't lost any of my value, it reminds me of just how
much value I had in the first place.
I don’t know what you’ve done. I don’t know your mistakes. I don’t know your dirty secrets. What I do know – what I have experienced – is that it’s never too late. The love, the mercy, the favour, the blessing – it’s all there waiting for you. We just need to learn to accept it.
To read previous entries of 'Casey's awkward confessions, head to last year's blog - lifefromthefishtank.blogspot.com to have a geez.
