I'm quite indifferent to the
idea of marriage. For a guy with high testosterone levels, some might see that
as an issue. I'm really not sure though. The past few years have brought to my
attention that I kind of don't want a wife - but I do...but again I don't. I
could go on perilous adventures with my loyal steed, questing every land with
amazing presentation, unattainable to all and bound by no woman. That's what
appeals to me.
Why so much freedom? Why the
crazy dreams of liberty? I can't even ride a horse.
Because I've been in the
polar-opposite situation. I've been in a cage as the result of another person.
I'm afraid to get a girlfriend - 'cause I have trust issues with women.
Specifically women my age.
Ones I could potentially go out with. Many people can't handle the loneliness
of being alone - that's the least of my worries. What I can't handle is the
drama of a relationship. I can't deal with the other person's outbursts, the
silent wars that happen between conversations, the uncertainty of what they're
thinking - the possibility it might be something hurtful.
When I meet a girl I remotely
like, my reflexes take over. Will she try to manipulate me? Will she pull
strings to get her own way? Will she always want to be right? Will she drag me
along? Will she screw me over with some kind of irrational, emotional outburst?
It's possible these may happen, so I deem the pursuit too risky. If there's
even the slightest chance - nothing's worth that again.
I'm acutely aware not all
women are the same, but it's not that easy. It's a learned behaviour, a natural
reaction, a defence mechanism. It takes a great deal of willpower for me to
become close to a woman. Most of the time it's easier not to, so I don't
bother. My preconceptions are projected onto someone based on my experiences,
what I know of women - and what I've known is not something I want to spend the
rest of my life with.
At times I do want a
relationship, but I'm never sure if I should be taking these trust issues with
me, or deal with them first. Of course this is assuming I don't decide to stay
single. Grace, patience and blessings to the woman who decides to go after
me...
This goes both ways. No doubt
there are women in our community who have been hurt by men. Women who were hurt
because a man did something careless. I'm not always the best ambassador for
the male species. Maybe I've wounded a few girls because of my austerity.
It'd probably be simpler to
keep going the way I have. To continue believing every girl 'round the corner
is a unsuspecting saboteur - but I know they deserve more than my suspicions.
So how do my assumptions
change? By way of many women, unaware and oblivious to their actions, but
little do they know they're breaking down my preconceptions.
They're what I call
'beautiful'.
